maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
