i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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