College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
