i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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