i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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