that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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