So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
