I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
