i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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