***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
