it's not cheating when I paid for it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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