So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She's the barista slut.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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