Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
