I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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