i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
