his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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