I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just had sex bonerless
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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