paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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