How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
