god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
