they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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