I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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