There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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