i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
