Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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