On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
