and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
