Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
