sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
