It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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