I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
