No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
