I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
