so that wasnt chicken after all
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
