Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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