She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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