I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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