Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
