I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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