if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize