while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
