Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
