you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
