just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
