i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
