wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
