I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
