don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
