did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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