Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
