he puts the penis in happiness.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
